Sunday, October 30, 2011

How To Speak Republican

(Note: Jonathan Bines, a writer for the late night talk show hosted by comedian Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kinmmel Live, contributed this article to Huffington Post.)

Talking to a Republican can be frustrating. Often, it seems like they are speaking an entirely different language -- and in many cases, they are! For this reason, in the hopes of facilitating cross-party dialogue and mutual understanding, I have compiled what I believe to be the first comprehensive Republican-to-English dictionary, featuring words commonly used by Republicans, and their English translations, alphabetized for your convenience:

    •    America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.
    •    Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
    •    Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
    •    Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
    •    Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
    •    Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
    •    Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
    •    Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
    •    Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
    •    Condescending: Accurately informed.
    •    Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
    •    Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.
    •    Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.
    •    Democrat: A political party.
    •    Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.
    •    Elitist: Qualified.
    •    Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
    •    Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.
    •    Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
    •    Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.
    •    Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
    •    Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
    •    Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
    •    Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
    •    Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
    •    League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.
    •    Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
    •    Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
    •    Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.
    •    Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
    •    Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
    •    Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
    •    Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.
    •    News: Fox News
    •    Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
    •    Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
    •    Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."
    •    Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.
    •    Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
    •    Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
    •    Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.
    •    Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
    •    Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
    •    Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
    •    Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
    •    Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
    •    Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.
    •    Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
    •    Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
    •    Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
    •    Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
    •    Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
    •    Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
    •    Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
    •    Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
    •    Yes: (no translation available)


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